CORPORATE RULES

Nothing in your office is yours. 

Nothing you say is secret. 

The smartphone is a tracking device. 

That's why it's smart. 

Work is whatever the Boss assigns. 

Whatever the Boss assigns was to be done yesterday. 

Your colleague's job is to get your Boss's job.

Whoever points the finger first wins. 

Happy Hour is SO over.  

Good subordinates can't afford to stay. 

Bad subordinates can't afford to leave. 

Rumors are better than facts. 

You are what they think you are.

For every opinion there is an equal and opposite opinion. 

Opinions don't matter.

The Budget matters.

Making Budget requires strategy. 

For every strategy there is an equal and opposite strategy. 

Every strategy is replaced by a strategy that reverses it. 

Mergers increase revenues by reducing competition.

Mergers reduce costs by cutting duplication -- like surplus executives.

Investors like Mergers.

Executives like Reorganizations. 

With Reorganizations executives stay in place. 

Stock Buybacks demonstrate that the Reorganizations work.

Stock Buybacks boost the stock, which keeps Investors happy. 

Stock Buybacks and Reorganizations are the sign of superior Executive Talent. 

Lean-In, Disrupt, Enhance Shareholder Value -- 

Buzz-wording the business demonstrates Executive Leadership.  

The Budget comes from the Bottom Line. 

The Bottom Line comes from the Top.

The CEO gets the Bottom Line from Investors.

Investors reward the CEO for making the Bottom Line.  

Accountants do what they're told. 

Lawyers defend the accountants. 

Producing numbers is easier than producing business.

Ex-CEOs like living in Geneva, the Bahamas and Dubai.  

Your next CEO has already been chosen.  

Our customers figure out what's wrong with our products.

Our customers do what they're told.

Our customers are lucky to have us.  

Your Boss says you did a great job this year. 

Your raise was budgeted last year.

Your Boss says you'll be promoted in 2 years. 

The Boss said the same thing last year.